Bringing Shoe Stealing to a Whole New Level…

In some sectors of Nepali and Indian culture there is a wedding tradition where the sisters of the bride–and this could be immediate biological sisters, or cousin-sisters, or female friends, etc–steal the shoes of the groom.

The set up for this works well because during the ceremony the bride and groom have to remove their shoes since the mandap becomes a small Hindu temple, and in all Hindu temples one must remove their shoes. I believe it is the same with mosques, so I wouldn’t be surprised if shoe stealing happens at South Asian Muslim weddings as well–readers can weigh in.

The groom’s friends or male cousins/brothers are supposed to guard the shoes, and I’ve even heard about “decoy” shoes to throw the sisters off.

Once the sisters steal the shoes the groom has to pay a bribe to get them back at the end of the ceremony. Depending on the parties involved, negotiations can be pretty tough.

When my sister heard about this, she loved the idea, and stole P’s shoes at our wedding, but I gave her a limit on how much she could reasonably ask for. When she asked for $50, S said, “that’s too little!” and gave her a handful of money from his wallet. I think she made off with $100 and was pretty satisfied.

Over the weekend we went to an Indian/Nepali wedding in the DC area. It was the biggest wedding I had ever been too– about 600 people. The bride was a childhood/neighborhood friend of P and his brother, and she was marrying a Punjabi man. Both the bride and groom had 13 or 14 members in their wedding party–”bridesmaids” and “groomsmen,” so when the “bridesmaids” (sisters) demanded payment for the groom’s shoes, they meant business and had the numbers to back it up.

They started chanting, “$3,000! $3,000!”

The groom countered with, “It’s a recession! That’s too much for a pair of shoes!”

Sisters: “We want $3,000!”

Groom: “I’ll give you two-fifty each…”

Sister: “Two hundred and fifty dollars each?”

Groom: “No! Two dollars and fifty cents!”

Sisters: “Noooooooo! Boooo!”

Groom: “Be reasonable girls!”

Groom’s brother: “No more than $50 per sister, otherwise they are being greedy!”

Sisters (urged on by the bride): “No, we want $3,000!”

…Haggling back and forth for quite a while…

Groom: “Okay, how about I give you all the money in my wallet right now? Trust me, it’s a lot, you will be happy… and I’ll throw an awesome party!”

Sisters: “How much is in your wallet?”

Groom: “$800 and a gift card for $25, you can have that too!”

Sisters: “Noooooo!”

…Haggling some more…

Some of the brothers reluctantly open their wallets and sweeten the pot to make an even $1,000 plus the $25 gift card.

The sisters finally accept.

P’s cousin’s American husband leaned in and whispered to me, “Um, is this for real?”

Sisters enjoy their shoe money...

Apparently!

The Newest American-Nepali Household Part II

Being that MS and MK had been in Nepal for quite some time, neither of them had a lot of money saved that they could spend on a formal wedding. Unfortunately the K-1 fiancée visa timeline doesn’t really care about money or planning, all it cares about is the 90 day window a visa holder has to legally wed before filing for a change of status to permanent resident. So MS and MK decided they would do a small “paper signing” marriage to satisfy the requirements, and organize a larger event at some point in the future.

P and I figured we would get a call about the paper signing at some point soon, so that we (along with P’s brother U) could “represent” the P family at the ceremony. However MK’s arrival in the US coincided with the early days of P’s post-operative recovery, and she saw him at one of his lowest points of physical capability, leading her to think he probably wouldn’t be well enough to travel up to Vermont any time soon. MK reasoned that the ceremony wasn’t a big deal anyway, so the couple thought that it would be easier to sign any paperwork while at MS’s parents’ house over Thanksgiving weekend. Yet while discussing their idea with MS’s family the couple realized it took a few days to get a marriage license, and other complications would probably make Thanksgiving an improbable time. “Plus wouldn’t you want your cousins there?” asked MS’s sister-in-law. MK told her she didn’t think we would make it, but they encouraged her to call and invite us anyway.

About a week and a half ago we got the call. “If you aren’t busy, we are thinking of getting married on Sunday December 11^th. We would love to have you, but we understand if you can’t make it.”

We assured them that we would (of course!) be there, and organized to meet up with P’s brother and drive up together.

The night before the wedding MS’s band had a scheduled gig in Burlington, and the “wedding party” all went to the show—MS’s parents, his older brother and sister-in-law, us three “P family” representatives, and two friends. MS, who comes from a very musical family, joined this up-and-coming band a few months before MK made it back to the US, and plays guitar and sings backup vocals. The music was great—a bit folky and a bit punk rocky, but something fun you could dance too–and the Burlington crowd was lively, cheering for MS when the lead singer announced, “Did you know you were at a bachelor’s party tonight? MS is getting married in the morning!”

I spent a lot of time talking to MS’s sister-in-law at the concert. She was curious to hear about my experiences as a foreigner in the family, and wanted to contextualize MS’s experience. When you are unfamiliar with another culture, it can be challenging to keep a relative perspective. It was also interesting to hear more about MS’s experiences in Nepal from his family’s side.

The house that MS and MK are renting for the winter is a summer vacation cottage north of Burlington on the shores of Lake Champlain. MS found the posting for a “winter caretaker/tenant” on Craigslist, and thought it would be a quaint spot for their first married winter together. The bungalow is tucked away on a back road farm, and it is a cozy, quiet place, heated by a woodstove, with beautiful views of the lake. We got back from the concert around 2am, played a sleepy game of “Apples to Apples” in front of the roaring fire to wind down from the evening, then wrapped up in warm blankets and headed off to bed.

By the time we all rolled out of bed in the morning there were only a few short hours before the ceremony was due to begin. Luckily MK and MS are pretty laid back and informal (unlike yours truly). They were making us scrambled eggs and cups of chai in their pajamas shortly before the “guests” (MS’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, and niece, and two couple friends) started arriving.

The day felt very “homespun” and it was sweet to keep it simple but intimate. Everything was done at the last minute, but turned out so lovely… I actually felt pretty emotional watching the ceremony.

For example– The day before MK had decided it would be fun to make an arch decoration for the couple to be married under. She didn’t think we would have time to come up with something, but I insisted we drive to a craft store before the concert and buy some fabric. After eating our scrambled eggs, MK and I were outside in our pajamas, shivering in the thirty degree temperature, tying tulle between trees on the cottage’s porch. A friend of MS’s came over with a bag of clothing and jewelry so that MK could find something to wear—MK picked out her outfit a mere hour before the program began. The same friend and I ran up and down the road looking for last minute flowers and eventually picked a small handful of hardy geraniums and tiny white flowers from a neighbor’s garden and tied them with ribbon.

The music was also improvised, but lovely. MS’s parents and brother brought their guitars, and U borrowed MS’s, and the family jammed together after the ceremony.

One of the best last minute surprises of the day was that P and U figured out a way to Skype their family back home through an iPhone so that P’s dad, J Phupu and MK’s sister could watch the ceremony unfold through the internet.

The brief ceremony started with a song that MS wrote for his brother’s wedding. He sang it for MK, with a chorus that went, “there is only one woman you will call your ‘wife’.” Then the justice of the peace (another neighbor… luckily not the same neighbor we had just stolen some flowers from!) led the 14 of us outside and started the ceremony under our improvised “arch.” MS lit a large candle to represent the fire he had seen at Hindu weddings, and the justice of the peace introduced the ceremony, explaining it was six years in the making. MS recited his vows, and MK hers, then they exchanged rings that they had brought back from Nepal. MS’s parents offered a blessing, and then MS was able to “kiss the bride” after being legally declared husband and wife. MS’s dad played the guitar, while the family sang sweet love songs to the new couple (while walking back inside to warm up by the fire!)

We cracked open a bottle of champagne and offered a toast. MS’s dad said a few words, and then J Phupu—still watching via Skype on the iphone from Nepal—decided to say a few words as well. With P translating, J Phupu also gave the couple her blessing. It was a very touching moment… linking two families, even though it was rocky at first, and even with a distance of thousands of miles.

The rest of the evening we ate South Asian food, listened to music played by MS’s parents, brother and U, and got to know each other better. It was such a wonderful day, and my heart is brimming over with happiness for my—as MK introduced me at the wedding—“sister-in-law” and my new “jwain” (brother-in-law).

Cheers!

The guitars are getting ready (U, MS's dad, MS's mom and MS's niece)

MS opens the ceremony with an original song. He's also wearing a tie made out of Nepali dhaka fabric.

The Justice of the Peace begins

U handles the iPhone webcam coverage, beaming the ceremony to Kathmandu...

MK gives MS his ring, plus a nice shot of the flowers I stole ;)

Newly married... the most recent addition to the "American-Nepali Household"

A cute moment together

Toasting with MK's mom (J Phupu) watching via webcam in Kathmandu... the wonders of technology!

P, MS, MK, U and I

The Newest American-Nepali Household Part I

P and I just got back from a lovely weekend in Vermont. About a week and a half ago we got a call from P’s cousin MK asking if we could come up to Burlington. She was planning to get married, and wanted to have her American-based family with her. Albeit last minute planning, it wasn’t something that happened spur of the moment, instead it was an event many years in the making…

I’ve mentioned MK and MS before, but usually in passing. Let me rewind and flush out their background a bit.

MK is J Phupu’s eldest daughter, and P’s first cousin. She grew up a few houses away from P in KTM, and after her father died of a brain hemorrhage about fifteen years ago, J Phupu and her daughters (MK and SK) moved in to P’s parents’ house.

MK is the same age as P’s younger brother U, and the two of them were sent to the US for university together in 2004. U went to a school in Pennsylvania, while MK went to a university in Vermont (coincidentally the same university my sister K went to). While at the university she met MS, and the two dated for several years. MS graduated in 2006, but stuck around Burlington. He majored in music and was connecting into the local music scene, playing in bands (he’s a gifted guitarist), and doing equipment and stage set up for programs around the area.

The first time MK told her mother about MS, J Phupu cried. The family had already dealt with P introducing the idea of marrying an American, and even though they accepted me, I’m sure deep down inside the family was hoping that P was an anomaly—that P’s brother and J Phupu’s two daughters would at least end up with Nepalis. The last thing they probably expected or wanted to hear was MK saying, “Actually… I am seeing an American.”

Right away P’s mom made U swear he would marry a Nepali… but you never know.

MS finally met J Phupu in 2008 when the family came for MK and U’s graduations. Their first interaction was rocky. J Phupu was still not happy with MK’s choice. Ideally she wanted MK to be with a Nepali, but MS probably made the whole “Hi, I love your daughter” situation a little worse with his first impression… he looked like a hippy Western tourist from Freak Street in Thamel—he had dreadlocks that reached down to his waist, and the wardrobe to match his hair. His appearances and her disapproval were roadblocks which inhibited J Phupu from seeing that MS was very hard working, devoted, caring, organized and came from a loving and supportive family; that he had a lot to offer MK as a life partner. Instead, J Phupu spent the week at MK’s apartment (which MS temporarily moved out of so as not to scandalize J Phupu any further) trying to convince her that MS was a bad idea, and even told MS that she didn’t think their relationship was a good choice.

It was a difficult period in their lives. I’m sure it was frustrating because the family seemed to be ultimately accepting of P and my relationship, while MK’s own mother wouldn’t budge on her relationship. The family didn’t say anything about P and I living together, while MK had to pretend that MS didn’t live with her. I didn’t really get it, but our friend R explained that expectations were different for sons and daughters. Although a family might not approve of a son’s relationship, families are often more flexible for a man. I think this could be a whole separate post topic for the future.

MK graduated in 2008 and like almost all international students in F-1 status in the US, she had to apply for OPT work authorization to be able to stay in the country and legally work. She only had twelve months to find something where she could earn money and hopefully be sponsored on an H1B (work) visa which would allow her to stay in the US even longer. She found work as a teacher’s aide at a local elementary school, a job that helped pay the bills, but not something that would sponsor a visa. At the end of her 12 month work permit the US government dictated that it was time for her to leave.

Obviously MS didn’t want her to go. He loved her, and asked if she wanted to get married. They could do a simple court marriage to keep her in the country, and if she didn’t feel ready for “real Marriage” yet, they could pretend like their legal marriage was an engagement until they had a “real” wedding with friends and family a few years down the road.

Ultimately MK decided to leave. She packed up her stuff and left it with MS’s parents, and flew back to KTM. Her family started pressuring her to study for the GREs and apply to graduate school to get back to the US, but I think she wasn’t really interested in that path. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, and eventually found a position working at a research institute in Kathmandu.

It’s tough to be apart from the person you care about most, and MS was no exception. After being separated by half the world for a year, he decided he had had enough. During the months that MK had been away, MS worked as much as he could, picking up jobs here and there and saving until he had enough to leave the US for a while. He departed for KTM without much of a plan, excited to see MK, and hoping he didn’t have to leave the country until she could leave with him.

MS stayed with P’s family for nearly seven months, and I think it was often difficult for him. Not only were there periods of culture shock (Nepal was his first trip outside of the Western world), there were social expectations that frustrated him. As he told his family back home, “I’ve missed MK for so long, and now that I’m here I can’t even hug her!” since public displays of affection are frowned upon. Unlike P and I, they insisted that MK and MS sleep in separate rooms. When MK would go on field expeditions for her work, MS was left alone with the family, trying to fit in and learn about the culture.

After a while MS’s extended visit became awkward for P’s family. Whereas my shorter previous visits could be explained away to nosy neighbors as a “good friend” visiting from abroad, MS didn’t want to leave after a month, and it was harder to explain why he was living with the family. In a country where family is generally centered on the man’s side, it is already awkward for a son-in-law to spend extended periods of time with his wife’s family, but now we are talking about a couple that’s not married, and the boyfriend is from America! J Phupu started pressuring MS to start thinking about leaving, but MS was adamant that he didn’t want to leave until he could bring MK with him. They started paperwork at the American embassy for a K-1 fiancée visa for MK, but the process was still taking months.

Eventually J Phupu changed her tactic and started pressuring MS to return to the US so he could find a job and start saving to build a more solid financial foundation for when MK was able to come back and the two were to get married.  While in Nepal he had connected with several musical groups, and found gigs playing guitar for a few hundred rupees at bars in Thamel. It gave him some pocket money, but he wasn’t earning anything substantial, and he had used much of what he had saved getting to Nepal and living there for so long. After seven months MS eventually agreed that it made sense for him to go back first and start “setting up” their new life.

P was in Nepal at the time, and took pictures of his departure. That particular day there was a city wide bandh (strike), so there were no cars or taxis on the road. The city tourist council arranged for a tourist bus to leave from Thamel to bring foreigners to the airport, one of the few authorized vehicles able to drive that day. The family garlanded him in the living room, and said their tearful goodbyes (I think MS and J Phupu were the most emotional), and walked him to the bus in the tourist district. His last glimpse of the family was from the dusty bus windows. Once he arrived back in the US, he headed to Burlington to set up a place for when MK joined him.

We invited MS and his parents to our wedding over the summer. It was nice to see him, and our first time meeting his mom and dad. During the Nepali Wedding-after party MS bought me a drink and gave me a hug. I told him we were happy to have him, and he said he was happy to be there. “Without you guys leading the way, I know it would have been much harder for us. I’m glad I could see this all happen.”

MK’s fiancée visa was finally approved in September, and she elected to stay in KTM through the holiday season of Dashain and Tihar, and arrived in the US in mid-November. They spent their first night back together at our apartment in Massachusetts before heading back up to MS’s family home in New Hampshire, and then up to Burlington, Vermont.

One of the requirements for a K-1 fiancée visa is that the couple has to be legally married in the US within 90 days of the visa holder’s arrival in the States or the visa is nullified. We knew the wedding would be happening soon, we just didn’t know when…

I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow…

Going to a Friend’s Wedding

I mentioned previously that we went to a wedding in Pennsylvania last Friday. Our friends DM and CN were married. Like many of the friendships we made at university, we met them through international student connections/international interests, and eventually we all lived in the International House on campus together.

I remember meeting DM pretty early his freshman year. Three years before I had attended an international youth summit in Washington DC and had made a friend who lived in the Netherlands but was Bulgarian by birth/heritage. I kept in touch with this friend for several years, and had learned a bit about both these countries through him. So when I met DM for the first time I was happy to pull out the few words of Bulgarian I knew– Как сте? (Kak si-te? How are you?) and Добре съм (Dobre sãm. I’m fine) which was probably pretty unexpected from an American girl in rural northern New York.

Although we are both American, CN and I had similar intercultural interests—we both studied in France but during different semesters. Her freshmen year roommate was from Kenya, another eventual close friend of ours, and my Swahili language teaching assistant. All of us wound up in the International House for the rest of our college careers. Eventually CN and I both enrolled in the same international education masters program, and we both have jobs working with international students (she’s an ESL teacher) in addition to both being married to former international students.

Their wedding was the first wedding P and I attended after our own. I guess the first one you go to after your own always feels a little weird. You are very happy for your friends, but seeing them go through the motions can’t help but remind you of your own experience and how you were feeling at the time. Everything happened so quickly during our own wedding, that I didn’t really have a time to process it, but as a spectator at theirs I felt like I was processing a lot. I was that annoying person sitting in the audience whispering to the person sitting next to me, “I remember at this point I was feeling/thinking ______. I wonder if he/she is feeling the same.”

At your own wedding, the guests are there because they know you,  so there are so many people to talk to.  I remember people constantly approaching us, asking us for pictures, wanting to chat, wanting to dance, it felt a bit overwhelming sometimes, and certainly added to the feeling that time was passing so quickly. At someone else’s wedding you think about how you don’t know a lot of people, and how you want to be that person approaching the bride and groom to talk, to steal them to take pictures, to dance with them on the dance floor, but you try to be understanding because you know how it feels to be inundated.

It is certainly more relaxing to be at someone else’s wedding. To have a drink or two during the cocktail hour, to sit back and enjoy your meal, and dance your heart out on the dance floor without worries or distraction. It also hits you that your wedding time is really over. You are not the “bride” anymore, but a “wife” which has its own mystique and excitement.

They did one of those anniversary dances during the reception where all the married couples dance to a song and the MC calls out dates, and the longest married couple is the last remaining at the end of the song. P and I were the first ones off the dance floor when the guy called out, “Anyone married a month or less?” It will be a month next Tues/Wed. Holy cow… a whole month already, where did that month go? Can’t time just stand still for a little while?

Fat chance with international orientation coming up in the next two weeks with our largest international class ever. My summer is pretty much over now.

I better finish my last two wedding posts before I forget to jot down my “white wedding” thoughts.

Wedding Crashers, Nepali Style

For a similar post check out “Invited to the Wedding.”

You know you are in an intercultural-South-Asian relationship when you have run out of invitation cards, and the RSVP date has passed, but you are still inviting people to your wedding.

You also know you are in this type of relationship when you hear other people talking in town about your wedding, who might “come anyway” even though they weren’t technically invited (“Maybe I was invited, but they didn’t have a chance to give me the invite?”), because extra guests aren’t usually that big of an issue back in Nepal.

This has happened to us a few times. In particular it is difficult with Nepalis we know in town through P’s university who might not be our close friends, but who are still part of the local Nepali community, so we kind of feel an obligation to invite them. We used to have this issue with our annual Christmas party too—P and I have had many a debate over why or why not this or that person should be invited. My argument was always, “If you don’t see them or have dinner with them at least every now and then, you don’t have to invite someone just because they are Nepali, especially if they don’t invite you to their things.” But alas, the issue persists, why did I expect our wedding to be different?

Case-in-point, at our Christmas party this year I was talking to one such person (a Nepali who we are friendly with but not really “friends friends” in the close sense) and while making conversation I asked, “So do you have any plans for the summer?” The guy responded, “Other than your wedding, not too much.” Er—he wasn’t at the time on our list, but found his way there!

Something similar happened over the weekend. Two friends of ours (non-Nepali) were eating at an Indian restaurant in town where a Nepali acquaintance from P’s university is working as a server. He had met this friend briefly at a dinner we hosted several months ago, and recognized her when she sat down at the restaurant. While taking her order he struck up a conversation about our wedding—he knew all the details—date, time, place, etc. We hadn’t invited him because he fell into the category of “acquaintance” rather than friend, and we hadn’t seen him since that dinner, but someone must have said something to him. Anyway, since he knew all the details our two friends assumed he must have been invited too. So when he asked them, “Are you going?” they responded yes and asked him, “Are you?”

Nepali acquaintance: “I haven’t been invited yet. I’m sure I will be, but if not I might just go anyway. I’m sure they won’t mind.” (Me: “Whaaaaat?”)

After dinner our friend gave us the heads up. Perhaps this is another person we might have to add to the list at the last minute?

It’s tough to draw the line. With close friends it’s a non-issue, they are obviously invited, but with various acquaintances it’s tough. We live in the same Nepali-community-abroad, so we don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, especially when the culture in Nepal is to invite as many people as you know, but P and I can’t keep adding to the list indefinitely. We have had many a discussion at the dinner table that goes something like,

P: “I feel really bad. We didn’t invite X, we’ve been to her house for momos several times, and even though I haven’t spoken to her in a year, I think she has done bhai tikka for me before as well. She might be sad that she didn’t get an invite.”

Me: “But Y lives near her. We aren’t as close to Y. So he might be sad if he hears that X was invited but not him.”

D: “Yeah—and if you invite Y you have to invite his girlfriend too. And he is always with Z as well, and might bring him along.”

P: “I don’t really mind not inviting Y, and I certainly don’t want him to bring Z along, we barely know him.”

D: “But X and Y see each other every day. If you invite X you will probably have to invite Y… in the end that might mean 4 extra people!”

In addition, we are also not sure if some of our Nepali guests might bring along extra people as well. It’s not such a big taboo in Nepal to do this, heck I was brought along to a neighbor’s wedding the last time we were in Nepal, and I certainly wasn’t listed on the invitation card. With the buffet we have set up for the Nepali wedding it won’t be such a problem, but with the sit down dinner at the American wedding, if extra people show up they won’t have any food.

D was joking at dinner last night, “Well at least the Nepali wedding is first—like a rehearsal to see who might show up for the American wedding. If someone brings along extra guests you can talk to them about not bringing them the second day. Maybe you can get someone to be the ‘guest enforcer.’”

In my “type A”-list-making-American-personalitiy-ism I have been trying hard to keep tabs on who is and isn’t coming, so that I know how many favors to order, programs to print, and table set ups, etc, but I might just have to realize that I won’t know with 100% certainty who will be at each event until they happen. Hopefully the numbers from my list and the numbers who show up are not that far off.

White Weddings are “Exotic” too!

I talk a good game about how the Nepali wedding will be so “interesting and different” for my family, but I’m being unfair when I fail to mention that the American wedding will be “interesting and different” for P’s family and some of our South Asian friends as well.

For someone who has the cultural “norm” baseline of white weddings—from movies, and tv, from family expectations and events, it’s kind of easy to forget that this isn’t the “cultural norm” for all. Whereas weddings can be fun and exciting in general, going to one that is different can feel even more exciting because it’s a bit exotic (“the other”), and it is funny to think that something that is normal for you is exotic for someone else.

This hits home when I realize that maybe P’s family doesn’t ask too many questions about the white wedding because they are not sure what to ask, where to start, how it will be different from weddings they are familiar with, or what the event will look like (ours will be their very first one). Or when a few of my South Asian friends who wear pants as daily clothing, but salwaar kameez or sari when they dress up for parties or events, find it kind of fun and exotic to wear a party dress to the white wedding.

I was even kind of surprised when my Nepali friend R was helping me look for a white wedding dress, that she wanted to try at least one on herself. She explained how she always thought it would be fun to have a white wedding dress and do “the whole white wedding party” thing. She admitted that sometimes while walking by bridal boutiques, she would think, as she checked out the dresses in the windows, about how it would be fun to rent or borrow one and do a photo shoot for the experience of wearing it. Why should I be the only one who thinks dressing up in the wedding cloths of another culture is fun and beautiful? R was gorgeous in that dress!

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the intercultural exchange and educational moments of both the weddings—my relatives dressing up in clothing and participating in rituals and eating food they are unfamiliar with and vice versa. I’m excited for both sides of my (new) family to learn more about the other and I think this will be a great way to open up a dialogue about the awesomeness of being different.

I hope R doesn't mind... but she looked too great in that white wedding dress to have pictures of it sit idly in my picasa account!

American Immigration, or Why We Aren’t Getting Married in Nepal

And while on tangents, here is a second one…

I’ve had the question on the blog before: Are you getting married in Nepal? And yesterday’s post should make it clear that we are not. But there is a reason for that too.

So as I’ve mentioned in the past, my day job (when I’m not secretly blogging during my lunch break or lulls in student appointments) is an international student advisor at a university in New England. I really love my job. I love working with and talking to people from around the world on a daily basis, I love helping them when they have problems or questions, and it is a lot of fun to be constantly learning new things about culture. It’s not so fun working with immigration regulations… although having a good knowledge of these tricky regs helps me to better serve my students when they come with questions. But… that means I really know what I should do immigration wise, and what I shouldn’t do, and that if I break the rules, I don’t have “ignorance is bliss” to fall back on if we are caught, and professionally I can’t affording getting in trouble with this topic.

I’ve read on some blog forums about people going to India and getting married, then coming back in to the US, and getting married at a later date. Occasionally these couples are graduate students. P is also a graduate student on an F-1 visa. Going to South Asia on an F-1, marrying an American spouse, then coming back in through US immigration and not declaring the change of status, and then later changing it once getting married in the US is technically an immigration violation.

An F-1 student visa is “non-immigrant intent” meaning IF your intension to immigrate to the US changes (such as marrying an American and planning to stay here—unless you make it crystal clear that you both don’t intend to stay, but will return to South Asia and not apply for permanent residency) and you leave the country and re-enter, you have violated your F-1 status. (Similarly the most common visa rejection reason is Section 214(b) of the US Immigration and Nationality Act– that you do not have enough ties to your home country, or that you have not overcome a presumption that you are using the visa to immigrate or work illegally in the United States.)

Violation of F-1 status is an offense that could potentially have your SEVIS record at your university terminated and have you sent back to your home country. If you are taking this regulation exactly by the book with a strict interpretation—even being engaged and traveling internationally and coming back in could be a violation of your status. Certainly the last thing you should do is waive an engagement or wedding ring in an immigration official’s face at the port of entry (even though you will be in two separate immigration lines anyway—the American national in the US passport/green card line, the foreign spouse in the non-US passport line).

The other potential problem is coming back into the US and marrying here and initiating the paperwork for a Change of Status from F-1 to Permanent Residency (Green Card). If the time is short (between your foreign spouse’s entry and the US wedding/paperwork) the US gov’t can potentially give you trouble when processing your Change of Status info because they can question your spouses, “intention to immigrate” when they last entered the country close to your wedding date. Do they always give trouble, probably not, but the potential is there.

If a foreign national plans to marry an American then technically (if we are going “by the book” here) they should come into the US on a K-1 (fiancé) visa. However then your partner could potentially be stuck outside the country for months waiting for the paperwork to clear before they could enter and marry. It is a perpetual frustration… US immigration rules make things so challenging, that it encourages people to break the rules.

On the flip side… you get married in the US first, then plan to go to Nepal… after you marry here you would have to initiate that same Change of Status paperwork and at least get “Advanced Parole” (travel papers) before you leave the US. That could be one month to several months (or more depending on the country, spouse name, etc) to receive that paperwork. So either way, you can’t do a wedding in the US and abroad within a few days of each other legally.

From what I hear, in the past you could get married at a court house and walk across the street to a US gov’t immigration center and get your Green Card the same day. But long gone are those days.

Anyway, besides the silly desire to want anniversary dates close to one another for memory and consistency purposes, my main worry was that if we did the wedding in the US first, and too much time passed before we were able to make it to Nepal, then people might feel… well… the wedding is over now, so much time has passed, let’s just leave the Nepali part. We can have a party to introduce you to relatives, but no point in doing the rituals.

I didn’t want the Nepali ceremony to go by the way-side because immigration and timing just couldn’t add up. Plus I was certain that few, if any, of my relatives would come to Nepal. My sisters, probably, but my parents, particularly my dad, definitely not. I thought it would be good to expose them to P’s culture while I had the chance.

So… this is why both weddings are in the US. P and I hope to travel to Nepal before the end of 2011—either during Dashain or December depending on immigration paperwork and time off from work, and perhaps we will have a gathering of family in Nepal as a wedding party, but at least the main events will have been taken care of by then, and no immigration rules would have been flagrantly broken in the making of our marriage.

Alright, I’ll take a break from wedding posts for a little while to give you all a breather :)

“Marrying Out”

National Geographic this month has a short article on “Marrying Out” as part of their continuing series on population. It briefly highlights that marriage demographics are changing in the US (using Barak Obama as an example– when his mother married in the early ’60s only 1 in 1,000 marriages were between someone of African descent and a Caucasian, however now it is 1 in 60).

[Nat Geo article pdf]

The article visually represents different spouse pairings, and explains that black women are least likely to intermarry while Asian men are second least likely. (hmmmm!)

The information is based on a report by the Pew Research Center by the same name with the tag line, “One-in-Seven New US Marriages is Interracial or Interethnic.” I haven’t had the chance to read the report yet, but I thought I would share.

It’s kind of reassuring. I started this blog because sometimes I felt like I was the only one who had cross-cultural issues. Sometimes when I talk to my family, they make me feel like the only one in the world who wants a bi-cultural household, or wants to organize two weddings to highlight different cultural traditions, or wants to learn another language– but you know, we are not alone. And it feels good.

Notes on the “Red Wedding”

Okay, I couldn’t hold back… hope you don’t mind me double posting today…

And to keep with the musical theme–

The lyrics are actually not that positive about American women, but it has a catchy tune.

Again please, I poll you dear readers, for feedback. Have I added too little, too much? I’m I missing anything glaring? Does it sound okay or weird? Suggestions??

Notes on a “Red Wedding:”

Nepal is a small but diverse country– with a population of just 30 million, there are nearly 40 ethnic languages spoken within its borders–thus it is not surprising that there are many different wedding traditions which can vary by caste and ethnic group. 80% of the population is Hindu, so many common wedding traditions include Hindu rituals.

In Nepal, wedding ceremonies include several rituals and receptions which can sometimes last up to a week. However, these rituals are now often condensed into a shorter ceremony when conducted outside of Nepal.

Before the ceremony

Wearing Red– the bride wears a red sari, traditionally chosen by the groom’s family (hence “red” wedding). The bride’s look for such a wedding is to appear ornate and highly decorated. Jewelry can be very heavy and is often costume, and intricate henna designs, tikkas, and make-up add to the decoration. Clothing and even shoes are often highly intricate and decorated with jewels/embroidery and contrasting colors (most often red, green and yellow/gold). Conversely white wedding brides attempt to have a more minimal, subtle, simplified look.

For the ceremony the groom wears a daura suruwal and Nepali topi hat which is very typical of traditional Nepali male clothing. Whereas saris are more pan-South Asian, daura suruals and the its distinctive dhaka fabric are solely Nepali.

Back in Nepal the groom’s family comes in a procession to the bride’s family in a parade called the “janthi” which often includes music and dancing. Family members of the janthi often wear matching clothes (saris, etc). This isn’t as common with Nepali weddings in the US for logistical reasons.

Ceremony

The ceremony is conducted by a Hindu priest. Often the prayers in the ceremony are in the Sanskrit language (Sanskrit is to Hindi and Nepali what Latin is to French and Spanish). During the course of the ceremony the priest will often break from prayer to ask details about the bride and groom such as their ancestors’ names to include in the ritual blessings.

In addition to the bride and groom, sitting on the altar with the priest are both sets of parents. Each set sits next to their child and contributes to the ceremony by performing tasks as indicated by the priest– this includes touching rice, flowers, water, oil and fruits to their foreheads and various ritual objects on the altar.

The pivotal part of the ceremony comes when the bride and groom exchange flower garlands and the groom gives a wedding pote (beaded necklace) to the bride. A long thin white cloth is then extended from the bride’s forehead to the altar and the groom sprinkles orange sindor powder from the bottom of the cloth up to the part in the bride’s hair. The third time that the sindor is sprinkled from the bottom of the cloth to the bride’s head is the moment the bride and groom officially become married.

After this section of the ceremony the priest lights a fire and the bride and groom make agreements to each other as husband and wife, often throwing rice into the fire as part of the ritual. Depending on the tradition, the bride and groom are sometimes tied together and they circle around the fire 7 times, since in Hindu culture a marriage isn’t just for one lifetime, but for seven.

In Nepali culture feet are often taboo– it is considered rude to point your feet at someone, and offensive to touch someone with your feet. However, when showing great respect, especially to an elder, it is customary to bow and touch their feet. During the ceremony the bride may touch the feet of the groom, and the bride and groom might touch the feet of their parents and vice versa.

Reception

During Nepali receptions the bride and groom often sit on chairs at the front of the room, sometimes with family members, and wedding guests come up to greet and congratulate them. This is often when gifts are given, in person, to the bride and groom. Common gifts include flowers or money in denominations of +1 (21, 51, 101, etc) since the +1 is considered auspicious.

Food is served buffet style at the reception. If the reception is taking place at a Hindu temple alcohol and meat are not allowed.

During the ceremony the altar is considered a temple area, so all the participants on the altar have to take off their shoes. One tradition is for the bride’s sisters to steal the groom’s shoes and demand money for their return. He can’t get them back during the reception until he has satisfied the sisters with an appropriate monetary reward.

Also traditionally the bride might play a few games with her mother-in-law as a way to welcome the new bride to the family. These games might include sifting through a large bowl of uncooked rice to see who can find a coin, nut or fruit first. These games would often be played when the mother-in-law welcomes her new daughter-in-law to the family home for the first time. Sometimes these games are played at the ceremony/reception if the family doesn’t live together in the same house.

Lastly, small wedding favors are usually distributed to the guests. These are often small packages of dried nuts, fruits, spices and chocolate.

Notes on the “White Wedding”

I mentioned in my post white wedding/red wedding that I was making a website with ceremony information and places to stay, etc, for our guests. In order to  help guests learn more about the different cultural traditions (hey, I’m an international educator at heart) I wanted to have a page on Nepali ceremonies and American ceremonies to give an idea of what to expect for people who haven’t attended one before.

Before sharing with friends and family, I wanted to run my information by you, dear readers, first. Have I added too little, too much? I’m I missing anything glaring? Does it sound okay or weird? Suggestions??

So first up, for your approval, is the posting for the “White Wedding…”

(Don’t worry, I won’t include the video– but amusingly enough the first 22 seconds of Idol’s song was the theme music for the Nepali news when P was in high school! Feel free to continue playing while reading the post for extra added effect… Okay, now on to the actual post–)

Notes on the “White Wedding”

The US houses many different cultures with varied rituals and traditions, and so it is hard to describe what a “typical” American wedding looks like. Contemporary weddings also incorporate new ideas and trends unique to a particular couple, so one wedding may look very different than another wedding of someone from a similar background.

However here are a few things to look for in our ceremony:

Before the Ceremony

-Wearing White: Brides generally wear white dresses (hence “white” wedding). Traditionally the color of the dress symbolized the purity of the bride. The groom is not allowed to see the bride before the wedding on their wedding day, and the dress is a surprise. Another tradition is that the bride wears “something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue”– the dress is often the “something new” while jewelry or other pieces of the bride’s attire might be “something old” or “something borrowed.”

-Bridal Party: Often the bride and groom have several family members and/or friends who “stand” with them as support during the wedding ceremony. They can be identified by the clothing they wear, which generally matches the color theme and style of the wedding. The female attendants are referred to as “bridesmaids” with the main attendant referred to as the “maid of honor,” and the male attendants are called “groomsmen” with the main attendant referred to as the “best man.” The bridal party walks in with the bride and groom at the start of the ceremony.

-Parents and grandparents of the bride and groom are recognized during the wedding by wearing a flower and processing down the aisle at the start of the ceremony. The father of the bride traditionally walks the bride down the aisle before “giving her away” to the groom at the start of the ceremony. Some cultures, such as in Jewish tradition, have both parents walk the bride down the aisle. Parents typically sit in the front row of seats, but do not stand with the bride and groom at the altar like the bridal party.

Ceremony

American wedding ceremonies can be either religious or secular and can be presided over by a member of the clergy or by a layperson. Religious ceremonies usually include readings from religious texts that are relevant to marriage and love, while secular ceremonies include readings of poems, passages from literature, or cultural blessings on marriage, home, and love.

A common element in weddings (both Christian religious and secular) is the “unity candle”– two smaller candles are lit by the parents of the bride and parents of the groom, the bride and groom then take their respective ”family” candles and together light a larger candle to symbolically represent their “unity” as a new family. Other similar rituals include taking separate jars of sand and combining them into a larger vessel to symbolize the new family unit.

The pivotal moment in an American wedding is the recitation of the vows. The bride and groom make a list of promises to each other that they vow to keep until “death do [them] part.” These vows can either be written by the bride and groom or they can use standard vows. After the recitation of the vows the bride and groom exchange their wedding rings which symbolically unite the pair as man and wife.

At the end of the ceremony the officiant declares, “By the power invested in me by the state of _________, I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now kiss the bride.” The kiss concludes the ceremony, with the bride and groom officially married.

Reception

Immediately following the ceremony is a “cocktail hour” where drinks and appetizers are served. Typically during this time the families of the bride and groom take formal wedding photos.

Generally tables are assigned to the guests, and a seating chart is available for people to find their appropriate seats. After the cocktail hour guests are ushered to the main reception area to formally receive the bride and groom.

The reception begins when the bridal party and the bride and groom are introduced. This is sometimes followed by brief toasts given by the maid of honor and best man, and sometimes a parent or relative of the bride or groom. This is followed by the first dance of the evening reserved for the bride and groom to a song of their choosing. Occasionally a “father/daughter” dance for the bride and a “mother/son” dance for the groom are also organized.

After dinner the wedding cake is cut by the bride and groom and the first piece is shared between them before the rest of the cake is sliced and served.

The rest of the evening is filled with eating, drinking, dancing and fun.

(Tomorrow the “Red Wedding” installment…)